She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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