If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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