ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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