I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
