Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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