You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
