I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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