Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
