At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
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The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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