I wish they made helmets for livers.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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