you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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