is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
