Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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