Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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