Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
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Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
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He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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