If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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