Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
