I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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