Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
