don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
