I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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