meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
