Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
