Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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