I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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