how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
