Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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