I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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