i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
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