she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
