You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
