he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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