Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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