Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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