and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
