I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
