You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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