I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
