drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
