the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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