hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
