The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
