I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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