Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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