My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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