She's JV to your varsity
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
