so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
