my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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