The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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