Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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