you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
