Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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