Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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