i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
