If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
