I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
