Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
