Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
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why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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